Everything people see is from a certain point of view, from one view it can look like one thing, from another, it can look like one thing, we have to see the world from two different sides because this WORLD is NOT one sided, good verses evil is just two sides thinking what they're doing is right, but guess what? People who have bitterness, who have anger, who have depression, all their lives, people who go crazy, you have to look from their point of view, why, what caused them to do that? I have to admit, I did go crazy after Joe's death, I became all pychotic, why? Because you have to look from my point of view, I lost someone very close to me, it was a VERY traumatic death for me, how do you expect me to act? I'm not a tough shell, I'm NOT, I'm a crab and if you want to know, I do have emotions, I'm VERY vulnerable deep inside, it just takes one knock on me and I fall apart, I've been through a lot of traumatic experiences.
You think I have it easy with life? God no, right after Joe's death, I get bullshit, What for? People saying I tortured Joe, people making up shit, that hurt me more than I will admit, I may seem strong, but all it takes is one thing to knock me down...you know who he is. I'm growing tired of being accused that *I* was the death of him, erm, I feel way too much pressure lately, have you actually met me in person? I'll have you know I'm different in real life, if you actually talked to me ONE ON ONE online than you would know I'm not the type to cause drama, I'm surely NOT an attention seeker, I'm certainly NOT an evil bitch. And for some, I'm deeply sorry for doing drugs after Joe's death, I'm sorry for getting drunk, I know what I did was stupid, I admit it, I admit it right now. I admit that was not very smart of me, you know why I did? Well gosh, first of all, losing the one YOU TRULY MADLY DEEPLY love is .......HEARTBREAKING.
and you know what's even more heart breaking? People who blamed his death on ME. My heart is shattered enough, my heart is still not put back together, neither will it be ever, time will make the TERRIBLE pain slowly fade away, you think I'm happy even if I feel him around me? No, to be honest, I'm not, sometimes I am, but then, sometimes I think about suicide 24/7, the only thing that's helping me live is knowing I have Joe's child inside me growing, that's what's keeping me alive, I'm going back to school, why? For my Mini JoeJen because I know that's what he wants, he's the strength that keeps me walking, he is the light to my soul, he is the hope that keeps me trusting, he calms the storms, he is my purpose.
I'm not as tough as you think, I'm fragile.
No comments:
Post a Comment