Hmm...

I have to say, writing makes me really really happy, it's how I vent, let me tell you something too, I secretly hate attention...oh yes, the people who know me know that I really prefer being in the background, especially my friends in real life, not on the internet, the internet is just an utopia.....an escape from hell, as Joe and I called it.... he is not how he projects online, online he acts all hyper, flirty, etc.....just like me, in fact, the two of us are quite different in real life, we do not have that much energy to go all haywire like that, lol, I shy away from attention, I do not prefer being in the spotlight, it makes me feel so awkward in every single way possible, I'm actually quite quiet and I zone out a lot, I like to retreat into my own world and be alone, sure it's cool to have attention, but meh, I'm more happy when I'm in my own world doing my own thing, Joe is the exact same way, we loved being with each other so much, everything we did felt so natural, we composed a lot of stories together, a lot of beautiful poetry, etc. :) I much prefer when there's no drama, drama scares the crap out of me, it makes me feel depressed, it scares me, it makes me paranoid, why do we need drama? What good does drama do? Sure there are people out there who'll try to start drama with me by saying weird things but uh, I prefer to stay out of it, I love LOVE, the people who truly know me KNOWS that I hate drama in every single way, the people who don't know me? They tend to assume things, and for that, my friends who know me? Cheers to you, this blog post is dedicated to you guys, I don't know what I would do without your love, your amazingness...thank you for actually KNOWING THE REAL ME and THE REAL JOE. You guys know Joe and I as paranoid freaks who get lost and confused sometimes, you guys know us so well that when people put us down, you guys know exactly what to say, I have your backs too, you know? Thank you for everything, I spent a lot of time on the phone with you peeps, a lot of time webcamming, and actually spending time one on one in real life, the internet is just an escape tool, I have a lot to do each day, I love how people presume they know "JOEJEN" but no, they don't, we are QUITE QUITE different in real life, I don't talk THAT much, neither does Joe, in fact, I can't describe how happy I was with him, how much I loved him, how deeply I love him, how much I still love him because if you heard of this quote..NOT EVEN DEATH CAN STOP TRUE LOVE....well, it's true. And the cool thing is that our relationship was FUCKING PERFECTION.....I mean it in every single way possible...PERFECTION.

True love's language is silence, I loved lying in his arms and hearing his heart beat and being cuddled by him, that was just simply the best feeling, being with him, him being with me, it doesn't compare to anything, his arms wrapped around me, kissing me on the forehead, sleeping and waking up next to him, my god, the love we felt, my god...like I said, the heart knows when the search is over, I'm sickened by people who say I exploited him, how is that even possible? Why would I go from California to FLORIDA to exploit someone? Do you know how much I gave up for him? I gave up my life and I would gladly do it all over again because godamn, pictures never lie, if you saw how happy we were in the pictures we took together, it shows and it's REAL, we know it's real, and I will not give up the love I have for him, EVER. Thank you Facebook for everything, Joe came into my life and made my life WHOLE. And if I gave up my $1000 LAPTOP FOR HIM to get him out of jail, does that mean something? If that doesn't mean that I'm 100% devoted to him, than I don't know what else to tell you.

We sacrificed everything to be with each other, I can't even put into words of what we did together, but does it matter to explain things to people who will never understand? Nah....

as for why he died drunk? He was drinking grape wine the night of his death.....get why he was drinking GRAPE WINE? He implanted a raisin....and he went out to get food for me and his "mini JoeJen" People assume I poisened him, what for? Why would I do that? his parents met up with me about a month ago and felt my stomach and took pictures of my belly :) I'm proud to have his seed, he's the love of my life and will be forever my man, nothing will change it, my husband forever. <3


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGC_9nlCWl0


if you listen closely to the lyrics...you'll see it.


and for the people who said I was the death of Joe? That hurts my heart so much. I spent everyday with him, EVERY SINGLE MOMENT, we were NEVER apart, I only worked for Disney for like 4 days and then I moved in with him, the times we weren't together in person, we were talking on Facebook through Fb mobile, see, there was NEVER a time where we didn't talk, a moment not talking to each other was quite.....depressing for both of us..... sure our relationship in person lasted for 1.5 months, but still, that was enough to fully get married, create a baby, and live LIFE FULLY.

Funny thing is? Sometimes when we talked on Facebook after we met, especially the wall to wall things was hilarious for us, it was just like what we called "old times" but we hated the the though of "old times" because the old times were just us yearning to be with each other, we've always been together, all my life I was searching for the perfect man, the perfect man turned out to be HIM, my soulmate, the ONE....just like all his life he was looking for the ONE, and therefore the timing was right. We met and now we will never be apart.